The 10 Commandments of a Lagos Danfo
If you live in Lagos, Nigeria, then to an extent you know tomorrow. You know quite how your day will be. You know you will get to work. In this life, everyone has peculiar neuroses, but sooner or later you and I will enter danfo, we might even be fortunate to sit beside each other. "How" is obviously a story for another day?
They are either yellow with two black stripes or white with one or two green stripes. Old Volkswagen buses (Molue) made between the 1920s and the 60s. Their seats being long removed, are replaced with benches. What I’m describing as a bench is quite frankly a wooden slab constructed into a metal to ensure enclosure and long-lasting fit. Just like the bus in which they sit, they’re what happen when the fundamental state of product meets mistake built to last forever. Before you start crying let me go straight to the commandments.
Learn Street Yoruba
Yoruba is the widely accepted language here, you will only be doing yourself better if you try to learn the street Yoruba. Focus on words associated with cheating, stealing, basic geography, groping, being lecherous with a young lady, kidnapping, and all words used on a JJC.
Some street Yoruba could literally save your life.
If You Don’t Have Change, You’re The Conductor
This happens especially where there is no conductor or the conductor is out for trouble that day and refuses to acknowledge your big money as money. If you hold N500 or N1000 and you’re going a 50 or 100 naira distance, I use your family people take beg you, just jejely anoint yourself Conductor General and collect money from fellow passengers. When your change is complete, you can release that your N1000 to the driver or whom it may concern.
Forget pride. Collect your full change. Remember, you will enter danfo again. Say “Conductor My Change O” 7 times, and louder each time you say it. Otherwise, they will drive off with your money. I am convinced most conductors have other jail worthy activities. Conductor na side hustle. The word JJC (Johnny just come) is not common anymore.
Don’t Say A Danfo Conductor Is Frustrated
They mostly are. Just don’t say it. Their daily plan is to take out that inherent frustration on you. Once they offend you (and they will) you’ll be tempted to remind them of their frustration. This will spiral into an argument that will make you look foolish. You’ll lose your sense of cool. I mean look at the guy you’re quarreling with.
Don’t get too comfortable with your seat, Can you truthfully call that thing a seat? Do you honestly feel like you’re seating down? Its either you get in an endless fight with a lady who thinks you are stylishly trying to touch her backside or a slay queen reminding you of not destroying her knee with you ass should in case you are in front of her. Most importantly nobody will babysit should you doze off and pass your bus stop, in fact, you will get all the blame.
Stroll To The Bustop Before Your Own
So you want to get to Stadium double time. You are at Fadeyi, joor stroll backward as if you want to go to Total abi am I mixing it up? Just go a few blocks before where you actually want to catch the danfo. Why? Danfo drivers will stop for anything in skirt or trouser that moves. Time wasting. This means if you’re in a hurry, the buses and the best seats will fill before they get to you.
Memorise Your Route Times
Since the traffic situation occurs mostly morning and evening, people have to leave their homes early to meet up with work hours. The chaos is so organized that being 5 minutes behind departure time can cost you 1–3 hours and mess up your work schedule. Memorize your route times or your lateness will have a chieftaincy title.
Don’t Sit At The Back Seats
The Danfo engine is void of any form of padding or soundproofing. And the engine is right at the back seats. Exhaust fumes, heat and engine noise will interact forcibly with your emotional balance. Another issue is the smell. The closer to the back you sit, the worse the smell. First of all, market women carry tomatoes (some already rotting) palm wine, all sorts of dried and smoked fish. The wind blows from front to back so people with body odor and chronic halitosis will affect your destiny. You will prophetically know the past lives of people you have not yet seen by their smells.
Did we miss any point, feel free to drop a comment in the box below.
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